[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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aura
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“FRAAANCE!”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?