Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.