Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Huge if true.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world