Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO