[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month