[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.