“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
when mom throws a party…
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Proctology is located in A55
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve