“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast