“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.