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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A roof is a house hat.