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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
this is the kind of friend i am
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
