Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog