Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons