Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.