Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.