Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

As the Lord intended

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?