Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i really liked this one

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

beware of dog

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Born to be mild.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I think this might be relevant today.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed