#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”