Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.