Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?