Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
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Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.