Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”