Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.