Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.