Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.