Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
This is me
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”