Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
That’s incredible! π
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they donβt read it fast enough
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears Iβve missed 738 birthdays because I havenβt been on for over 2 years π³
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
π
wishing you and yours all the best
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryerβ¦
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasnβt sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isnβt meat.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
this is what they would have looked like, though
