Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out