Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.