Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Unimpressed
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
This did not end as expected.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
