[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You Might Also Like
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller