Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Oh my god
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
This dude got his own movie?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no