Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.