Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

me working on my assignments ^-^

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*