Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

japanese corn

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?