Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”