Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive