Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Stop sending me this shit.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.