Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Word!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.