Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
You Might Also Like
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
never compromise your values
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.