Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Who says great literature is dead?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help