Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Beware of fowl play.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
🙂🙃🥹
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.