[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You Might Also Like
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Wise advice
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
reviewed some movies recently
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies