Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
This is so wrong 😂
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.