[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I see your IQ test came back negative
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076