Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

The symmetry is uncanny.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty