Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

Cashiers are always checking me out

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”