Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir!!

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food