the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
You Might Also Like
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’m going to need a moment here.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”