@archpics

Hilarious Architecture Fails

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@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

@LMHPhotog

*picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

– stock exchange

@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)

@johnfreiler

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.