I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
You: “Calm down!”
Me: *kills you, calmly
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!
(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.