HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
The game has officially changed 😎
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist