Hilarious if literal: arms race
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
💀💀
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky