Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.