Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
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my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT