Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.