Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.