Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

How does one answer this?

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”