Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

repaired

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.