Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
hmmm