Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Well, shit
