Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*