Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

My blood type is b hungry.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes