Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

serving silly goose instead of turkey

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.