Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.