Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

ㅤ

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.