Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?