Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spa day..😅

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.