They told me to spread love wherever I go.
Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Don’t think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.